Love, why does it feel so good and yet make you feel scared and fearful of the future?
Maybe, it’s because no matter how strong it is you know that at the core it is a frail thing, but with its frailty comes such a flurry of strong emotion. Maybe that’s what it is ultimately. You find someone who makes you feel so utterly complete that together you create this little safe hold, full of emotion and though it is frail you both hold on dearly and put more and more emotion into it, until cracks show and then….
Or maybe that is the cold way of looking at it. Poets, writers and scholars write about love and the joy it brings and maybe that’s what you are meant to feel, but currently maybe love is lost and something we will all never have the joy of truly experiencing it.
Yet, I feel that I have found it and, yet it terrifies me. My core, is exposed. When I expose my heart, my core they are and, have always been thrown away, discarded like trash. Broken. Shattered. This time however, I need to give without fear. Because my fear has broken this already. The one thing that brought me so much happiness because of fear. But, I find that I am scared to let go. If I let go and he hurts me, recovery I know is a long and hard road and I fear that walk. Those talks in the evening from friends trying to get me to sleep. The hollowness in the pit of my stomach and my brain telling me that it was right, that I am not good enough.
This time around, I am trying. Trying to take his hand and let him lead the way. Let him show me that I am ok, that this is ok, we are ok.
Bad habits are hard to break, but this time it’s different. I truly feel for him. He makes me feel whole, like he makes my heart beat. I look at him and I long to be with him. Close to him. He makes me feel like I am a part of the world. I can’t remember when I felt like I was a part of something.
I feel like the glasses I look through to look at the world have been taken away and he shows me that I am not lost but in a world of discovery, I am not trapped. He grounds me. Makes me feel real, like I am worth something.
Him. Just him.
My fear, that I don’t fit. That I don’t fit into his world. My world is little, with dreams and goals that may seem just…simple. His? Vast and yet he can grab every one of them and master them with ease, people that surround him are interesting and again have reached their goals and dreams, met them and continue to do so. They have dreamed big and achieved it. They are beautiful and masters of an art, me…I have none of those, I am trying to achieve a childhood dream that even I am unsure as to whether I will achieve my ultimate goal and, even if I did, I can’t be sure that it will be in the very near future.
I can only hope, that he sees me as a part of it. That he thinks I fit. That he wants me too.
I can’t believe how much I have changed. But that’s another story for another day.