The steps we take in life all lead down a path. That path can take you down some dark places and some light. It just depends wether your willing to embrace the darkness to get to the light.
I think recently my mind has been taken down a dark path, impacting myself and my relationship. I think it’s easy to see the damage you cause externally but internally the damage seems almost cataclysmic but others don’t see it, they just see you on the outside. Quiet, angry, stressed. Taking a walk to a place of self love is hard when you are constantly in a place of self hate. Your brain isn’t telling you to calm down or telling you not to worry, not to be jealous or to think rationally before breaking out into an irrational and unreasonable state.
I would like to say I love who I am, but I don’t. I hate much more of myself than I love. I hate my anxiety which spurts on feelings of jealousy, the constant fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone. Old. Frail. Unloved.
Mental health is complex. All of us uniquely wired and being mentally trained to deal with things in different ways throughout our lives. Somehow I feel I was not taught how to cope effectively and as an adult now, it’s obsolete. I struggle now more than before it feels and no outlet seems appropriate. With this maybe as an exception.
It’s hard to express the thoughts but also the pain. The knots you feel in your stomach, the weight that grows on your chest making you feel breathless. The claustrophobic feeling of walls closing in as more and more thoughts cram themselves into your brain about how much you just cause chaos, how horrible you look, how much people must just hate you. How much of a burden you are to life.
Patience. Patience from your loved ones and those around you makes a world of difference. Maybe not understanding, even as a sufferer I don’t understand. But patience, time, love. Being that light for some one at the end. Being the air they breathe. That. THAT.
But it’s hard. How long can people give you that without getting tired? Maybe that’s just the rotten part of my brain or maybe it’s just common sense. Maybe.
All I know is, I won’t ever stop trying to conquer this. To find peace. To love myself. To give myself patience. Or maybe that’s the answer?