Heart break or head ache?

Arguments, tantrums, spats, all not particularly wanted in a relationship but inevitable too. Unless you are a total god and never have an off day, something pisses you off or your just in the mood for an argument and it doesn’t matter who it is.

The thing is, these things aren’t wanted but they happen. I think its how you deal with them that is key. You may argue often, you may argue on the odd occasion but when you do it might be horrible, either way it leaves you drained and tired and you say things that you don’t mean. Problems occur when all the blame is shifted on to one person or you just wont pull yourself out of the argument and look at the bigger picture.

In arguments you are bound to look at only the bad stuff, but when you look outside of that you see the good times that you have, the times where you have done something that was absolutely hilarious and you were both laughing for days, or the times where you have just felt so in love that nothing else has mattered. These are the moments where you know that what you have means something. This is what you need to think of and how you feel in the heat of the moment should then teeter and you should then think, is it really worth walking away.

I mean I am no relationship guru but this is something I seem to have learnt. Being the one that has tantrums, moods that sometimes I just struggle to get out of because of my stubbornness. Generally its me. But never once has leaving the relationship, or the feeling of my relationship being destroyed ever come into it. Speaking to others, yes maybe there are times where it was totally unwarranted but this is something that most everyone does.

The man I am with I love and I have changed a lot and I am still trying to change to ensure that I do not cock the relationship up, but some how I still manage to do it. We have an argument and seemingly I am the cause and then BOOM. Relationship over. I destroy it.

My advice to anyone reading this is your not destroying the relationship. The only thing that is ruining it is the fact that, the counter in this is not willing to sort things out. They are not willing to talk things through. They are not looking at the bigger picture and thus leaving you both broken hearted, sore and with a sense of guilt. If you are reading this now and this is something that is happening, stop. Look at them. Look back a day, two days, two weeks and see the good times that you have had. Feel how those times made you feel, then look at them again. You still love each other, the fire hasn’t gone. It only goes when you don’t want it to be there anymore. Take a deep breath, swallow the stupid argument and believe that even though it was stupid that something like this wont break you.

My relationship, this time I feel is truly over. This time I have no choice but to let go I fear, and it is the most horrifying and scary thing I have had to do because I am truly in love and I think this man is and will forever be my true love. That first love that you have where you have never experienced anything like it. I will miss him for the rest of my life and there will be a hole where he should be. So please, take heed of this. Take the time to stop, look and think. Talk, talk until there is nothing left to say.

Till next time,

Naomi, x

 

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Chest talk.

The steps we take in life all lead down a path. That path can take you down some dark places and some light. It just depends wether your willing to embrace the darkness to get to the light.

I think recently my mind has been taken down a dark path, impacting myself and my relationship. I think it’s easy to see the damage you cause externally but internally the damage seems almost cataclysmic but others don’t see it, they just see you on the outside. Quiet, angry, stressed. Taking a walk to a place of self love is hard when you are constantly in a place of self hate. Your brain isn’t telling you to calm down or telling you not to worry, not to be jealous or to think rationally before breaking out into an irrational and unreasonable state.

I would like to say  I love who I am, but I don’t. I hate much more of myself than I love. I hate my anxiety which spurts on feelings of jealousy, the constant fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone. Old. Frail. Unloved.

Mental health is complex. All of us uniquely wired and being mentally trained to deal with things in different ways throughout our lives. Somehow I feel I was not taught how to cope effectively and as an adult now, it’s obsolete. I struggle now more than before it feels and no outlet seems appropriate. With this maybe as an exception.

It’s hard to express the thoughts but also the pain. The knots you feel in your stomach, the weight that grows on your chest making you feel breathless. The claustrophobic feeling of walls closing in as more and more thoughts cram themselves into your brain about how much you just cause chaos, how horrible you look, how much people must just hate you. How much of a burden you are to life.

Patience. Patience from your loved ones and those around you makes a world of difference. Maybe not understanding, even as a sufferer I don’t understand. But patience, time, love. Being that light for some one at the end. Being the air they breathe. That. THAT.

But it’s hard. How long can people give you that without getting tired? Maybe that’s just the rotten part of my brain or maybe it’s just common sense. Maybe.

All I know is, I won’t ever stop trying to conquer this. To find peace. To  love myself. To give myself patience. Or maybe that’s the answer?

Naomi, x