Enlightenment

Sometimes I think, you have to be at your lowest possible point to make the lights switch on. For your mind to see things differently. To see how much you have changed but not the way in which you had hoped.

You realise maybe you were stressed for no reason, you would switch self destruct for no reason. Just maybe to hurt yourself for no apparent reason then to cause yourself some pain. You know the outcome but you do it anyway. You don’t know why and you feel stupid but its too late you’ve done it.

Now, that its at its worst and you’re at the bottom, your focus shifts. You can go over that edge and stay the way you are or you can pick yourself up and move. Just move. Shift your focus, shift your pain, shift your stress. Look forward. Go with one foot in front of the other.

I feel like at present my life is confusing and yes, stressful. Maybe, full of stressors is a better way to put it. But my eyes have opened, I have kept myself in a place where I make the situation worse. I force myself further into stress because it feels, right. Well, today I see that it can be challenging and with a quick deep breath and quick closing of my eyes, I am focused. I am centred. The sun is shinning through autumnal leaves and like my surroundings, I am going through a transition.

It is the end of the old me and the birth of the new me. The future me. This is where I shed my past and move forward. Bloom. I am finally ready. What ever happens and what ever changes come my way I know that I am ready. I am looking forward to what my new self can produce, what I can give. I feel like I am unstoppable almost.

This I feel is my awakening, my rebirth, my enlightenment. How silly does that sound? But regardless, I am here and my adventure, my journey begins.

Till next time,

Naomi, x

Advertisements

Heart break or head ache?

Arguments, tantrums, spats, all not particularly wanted in a relationship but inevitable too. Unless you are a total god and never have an off day, something pisses you off or your just in the mood for an argument and it doesn’t matter who it is.

The thing is, these things aren’t wanted but they happen. I think its how you deal with them that is key. You may argue often, you may argue on the odd occasion but when you do it might be horrible, either way it leaves you drained and tired and you say things that you don’t mean. Problems occur when all the blame is shifted on to one person or you just wont pull yourself out of the argument and look at the bigger picture.

In arguments you are bound to look at only the bad stuff, but when you look outside of that you see the good times that you have, the times where you have done something that was absolutely hilarious and you were both laughing for days, or the times where you have just felt so in love that nothing else has mattered. These are the moments where you know that what you have means something. This is what you need to think of and how you feel in the heat of the moment should then teeter and you should then think, is it really worth walking away.

I mean I am no relationship guru but this is something I seem to have learnt. Being the one that has tantrums, moods that sometimes I just struggle to get out of because of my stubbornness. Generally its me. But never once has leaving the relationship, or the feeling of my relationship being destroyed ever come into it. Speaking to others, yes maybe there are times where it was totally unwarranted but this is something that most everyone does.

The man I am with I love and I have changed a lot and I am still trying to change to ensure that I do not cock the relationship up, but some how I still manage to do it. We have an argument and seemingly I am the cause and then BOOM. Relationship over. I destroy it.

My advice to anyone reading this is your not destroying the relationship. The only thing that is ruining it is the fact that, the counter in this is not willing to sort things out. They are not willing to talk things through. They are not looking at the bigger picture and thus leaving you both broken hearted, sore and with a sense of guilt. If you are reading this now and this is something that is happening, stop. Look at them. Look back a day, two days, two weeks and see the good times that you have had. Feel how those times made you feel, then look at them again. You still love each other, the fire hasn’t gone. It only goes when you don’t want it to be there anymore. Take a deep breath, swallow the stupid argument and believe that even though it was stupid that something like this wont break you.

My relationship, this time I feel is truly over. This time I have no choice but to let go I fear, and it is the most horrifying and scary thing I have had to do because I am truly in love and I think this man is and will forever be my true love. That first love that you have where you have never experienced anything like it. I will miss him for the rest of my life and there will be a hole where he should be. So please, take heed of this. Take the time to stop, look and think. Talk, talk until there is nothing left to say.

Till next time,

Naomi, x

 

Chest talk.

The steps we take in life all lead down a path. That path can take you down some dark places and some light. It just depends wether your willing to embrace the darkness to get to the light.

I think recently my mind has been taken down a dark path, impacting myself and my relationship. I think it’s easy to see the damage you cause externally but internally the damage seems almost cataclysmic but others don’t see it, they just see you on the outside. Quiet, angry, stressed. Taking a walk to a place of self love is hard when you are constantly in a place of self hate. Your brain isn’t telling you to calm down or telling you not to worry, not to be jealous or to think rationally before breaking out into an irrational and unreasonable state.

I would like to say  I love who I am, but I don’t. I hate much more of myself than I love. I hate my anxiety which spurts on feelings of jealousy, the constant fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone. Old. Frail. Unloved.

Mental health is complex. All of us uniquely wired and being mentally trained to deal with things in different ways throughout our lives. Somehow I feel I was not taught how to cope effectively and as an adult now, it’s obsolete. I struggle now more than before it feels and no outlet seems appropriate. With this maybe as an exception.

It’s hard to express the thoughts but also the pain. The knots you feel in your stomach, the weight that grows on your chest making you feel breathless. The claustrophobic feeling of walls closing in as more and more thoughts cram themselves into your brain about how much you just cause chaos, how horrible you look, how much people must just hate you. How much of a burden you are to life.

Patience. Patience from your loved ones and those around you makes a world of difference. Maybe not understanding, even as a sufferer I don’t understand. But patience, time, love. Being that light for some one at the end. Being the air they breathe. That. THAT.

But it’s hard. How long can people give you that without getting tired? Maybe that’s just the rotten part of my brain or maybe it’s just common sense. Maybe.

All I know is, I won’t ever stop trying to conquer this. To find peace. To  love myself. To give myself patience. Or maybe that’s the answer?

Naomi, x 

Here we go again..

Here we go again. It’s starts all over again. The thinking, the thinking of everything and then eventually it gets so loud, almost to fever pitch and then….silence. You can sleep. But you are left with sleep deprivation because by the time it finished the sun was up and ringing in your ears.

It all starts with one thing that someone says or does. Like maybe, that look they gave you at exactly 10.30am as you were leaving a shop. Or, that thing they said at precisely 1pm. Then you start thinking about if it meant anything. If there’s a deeper meaning. You know that really there isn’t but still the battle has begun.

It takes up your thoughts. So much so that you can’t talk. You can’t watch anything, listen to anything, read anything. It just consumes you whilst affecting those around you. The ones who are stood by you and can see that there is something going on behind your eyes but they don’t know what it is or what to say. They carry on as normal whilst hoping that you’re not mad at them for some unbeknownst reason.

Then when finally it’s over, you just want to shut down. Your energy is low and your brain feels like mush but it’s time to get up and start another day.

Your tired, you feel stupid and you feel sorry. Sorry to those who didn’t see you but were expecting to, but you just couldn’t function. To those who were around you, for just shutting down without warning. For behaving in an unsettled way by being busy and hyper to being…well to just stopping. Then finally, your sorry to you. For making yourself feel the way you did. For tearing pieces off yourself and then spitting them back in your face.

I think that in the end, the person left with the short straw is you. You self sabotage yourself to a point where your just not quite sure what to do with yourself afterwards. You don’t know which piece to put back first. You can see what your doing and your trying hard to fix it but you can’t. Then you wait till it’s over and before fixing yourself first you try to fix everything on the outside instead. Leaving yourself wounded and scarred.

By no stretch of the mind is this thing easy, it’s hard every step through it. But it doesn’t mean that that’s how it is all the time. But when it’s bad it’s bad. Anxiety. I hate the name. I don’t think it’s bad enough a word. Living nightmare or mental mutilation might be more appropriate. The damage is hard to fix after a night like mine but you’ve got to try and get that sleep, try to function adequately. Try to forgive yourself, or you run the risk of it coming again sooner than expected.

It’s like after a storm, you have to get up, check the damage and then smile. Even though it’s raining still. Because you know, it will pass. It. Will. Pass.

Naomi x 

 

The Course Of Things.

The course of the way things go in your life seem overly straight forward, like go to work, get a career, go to school, college, university, go to the gym, loose weight become fit, healthy, strong, beautiful.

It all seems that easy, everything falls into a course that you aim to complete to go on to the other one and start again until eventually you reach a point where you are confident that  you don’t need to go much further and your happy.

But really I guess the better way to look at them, is that they are actually obstacles in the way of your course that you need to get over or work through to reach the steady course to the finish line. For me right now I am at a personal obstacle with my weight and the gym. I work hard when I go and I improve each time but the difficulty for me is getting there. On my way I have found that for some reason trying to talk myself into going is the hardest thing for me right now. I have loved going to the gym with a ‘gym buddy’, two actually, and still I would find myself struggling to psych myself up to go with them because I don’t want to go and not do enough and sometimes I think about what the people think of me who are around me whilst I work out and train.

No one really tells you just how hard its going to be for you, mentally I mean. They tell you how hard its going to be on you physically but not the amounts of times you will find any excuse so you can stay sat at home in your gym clothes convincing yourself that you’ve worked hard at work or that your just a bit too tired today or you will pick it up tomorrow cause its just one day, right?What makes it worse is the anxiety, the thought that you are being stared at and laughed at, that feeling of looking in the mirror and all of sudden you see yourself as a humungous beast in place of these other people who are slim, toned and healthy. No one really talks about that I think. If they do its not talked about enough.

So I guess I want to speak about it. The gym, diets and everything that comes with it is so overwhelming and when you’re around people that seem to be doing so much better than what you are it makes it harder for many reasons. Mine right now being that I just cant see it working. Despite the meal replacements, the change in portion size and diet, the weight loss tablets that make me bloat for a bit then just pure out and out gassy. It all gets SO much. But you know what, that right there is what stops me from going to that gym, getting on that treadmill and picking up them weights.

And, its ok.

It’s ok to feel like that. It’s ok to think that it’s not working and that its all getting too much but that’s when you should stop, take a step back and then slow down.

Get yourself a battle plan, something that you can do at home and something you can do at the gym then in 4 weeks time or 6 weeks time review it, change it up make it more difficult.

Take out the shakes and the weight loss tablets and all that crap and start with one thing at a time. Maybe have just your protein for now then in 4 weeks, introduce one more item and so on. Until it feels right.

With your diet, don’t tell yourself off! If you mess up you mess up, just brush it off and carry on, Diets are not easy and if its a constant struggle something isn’t right. Look at what your eating do you like it? no? then find a replacement, too hard to follow then look at something else, or just start by reducing portion size, and cutting down your problem foods and just be kind to yourself.

I’m still a work in progress, but now that I have done the steps above I don’t feel as overwhelmed. I have found exercises I enjoy and I have set up a list of things to do so that when I go to the gym I know what I need and I can pop myself into a quiet corner and get on, it sates my anxiety and cuts down that distraction. But they are also good for when I am home, when I don’t have the weight I replace with a bottle or two of water or cans of food! It works. But now I definitely appreciate that it will come off slowly sometimes but then others it will seem that it comes off fast and then others as though nothing is happening at all, but I think the key is, especially for those who are self conscious or self doubt or suffer from anxiety or whatever, the key is just breath take it in stride and look at what you have done, maybe look back at the time before you went to the gym? and what would that you think of you now? I know past me would be like WTF is going on with you? Well done fat arse!

It’s just the course of things and how you deal with that course and the hand you have been dealt. Just try to roll with it, take the obstacles put in your way and own them. No one ever said that you have to get it the first time, take your time and even if it takes you a million times just think at least I didn’t give up.

 

First blog attempt.

The beginning….right?

So this is my first blog. The first blog where I have found that I can write more than just one without having to pay for the rest. Does that make me cheap? Maybe.

So this is where my journey begins, at the age of 25. I have completed college and received the grades that I need, I could’ve done better but hey, its damn hard balancing your bills, a full time job, dysfunctional family and your relationship whilst trying to get the best grades that you could hope to achieve. I did good and that’s enough for me.

My next step now is to get myself driving and ready for starting university in September. Two years ago, the thought of being able to go to university seemed very far away and almost unreachable. But hey here I am. Dream big and it will happen but it does take hard work and patience. Patience mainly with yourself. Mainly just to remind yourself that your not always going to get it the first time but be patient and it will come in time. Also not to be to modest with yourself. when you know you are good at something own it, WERK WERK WERK Hunty!

werk

WEERKKK!

 

I suppose before I go much further I should maybe talk a little bit about myself so that you can get a little picture of who I am, that helps right? I’m a 25, horror obsessed (classic horror such as the universal classics! not the new kind of horror where it is totally reliant on jump scares and unnecessary gore). I would call myself plus size and bored about it. I go to the gym to work through my fat-ness but at the same time I would like to think that I am comfortable with what I have right now and I work hard at the gym but I could care less what people think of me now. Thin or fat I’m happy.147d1f08deb6d39ec1278230e2bc2643.jpg

I am dating one of the most amazing but very annoying man in the world, he makes me laugh with how annoying he can be and he fascinates me with his kindness, his selflessness, his love for me and his majestic beard. He is the biggest support I have in my life and he has finally shown me what it means to be loved and to love. I think that that is a very important thing to learn. Its taken me a while to find it but it was well worth the wait.

I have a dysfunctional family, doesn’t everyone? However, its quite destructive and it may be something that I touch on in other blogs I write just to sort of reach out I guess to those who may be sat in the side lines similar to how I am and have been for a few years and not knowing what to do even though your helpless and your hands are tied. But, like I said a topic I will touch on another time.

So that’s a little introduction from me and there’s not much else to tell. This first blog I think is just to mark my transition something that someone, if someone reads this that is, that may not inspire but make them laugh or maybe even understand the situations and relate to them. I don’t know we will see. But hey, this is the first step! My first blog and my first realisation that one of my dreams and life goals has finally come true!

I am about to take the first steps into serious adulthood, although I cant imagine that my behaviour will change too much, I still feel 18 at times. But here it is at the ripe old age of 25 I have found that anything really is possible when you put your mind to it. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination but its possible. It really is and for the first time I can genuinely say I am proud of myself!

Nice to meet you and thanks for reading.

Till next time.

Naomi x